Heart break.

I think this is one of my hardest things to write about but I feel like writing about it will be therapeutic. It will help Me move on. Get ready for a novel...

First I want to say a how blessed I am. I have a husband who has been so supportive and THERE. Not all people have that. I've had countless prayers from those who knew. I've had treats, a dinner, phone calls, texts, visits, help with Ruger on short notice, hugs, a blessing, and a mother to be there when Clayt couldn't. We have been so blessed with support. So thank you for all everyone has done.

Three weeks ago we found out we were pregnant! We were elated! With Ruger it took 11 months of trying and with this baby it only took one month. I felt like it was meant to be because everything happend so fast.

Then just over a week ago I woke up to some bleeding. My immediate reaction was panic. I was overwhelmed by emotions for our precious little one. I held my stomach and whispered your ok, mommies here...It was 1:30 in the morning so Clayton cuddled Me on the couch and we waited until morning to call the doctors. 

At some point in the night I rememberd how while pregnant with Ruger we had the same (not really) thing happen with Ruger and it ended up being a uterin tear and all ended well. 

So I felt some reassurance it that. We called the doctors that morning and they had us come in for an ultra sound.

I stared at the screen. I watched for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life. The Dr. Kept look moving the tool over and over trying to see something anything. He stopped for a moment hovering over what He thought was the beging of a yoke sack. I sighed a little breath of something it wasn't quite relief because I wanted to see a baby, and there wasn't one. 

He cleaned me up and sat me up. He seemed hopefull and said it could be we were just a week behind what we had thought. He sent us for lab work and a rogam shot.

Then we waited, in two days I had more blood drawn and found out my HCG levels were indeed rising but not has much as they should have. So we waited longer... And on Monday went again for results. Tuesday night I got a call that the HCG levels went up again but not to a reassuring amount. They wanted me to come in the next day for another ultra sound. 

My mom went with Me. Mothers are great!! She held my hand and gave me comfort! The Doctor started to look. This time there was nothing. Nothing. No yoke sack nothing just an empty uterus. My heart sank. 

Has tears filled my eyes and my thoart started to tighten Dr. Aggard stared to explain what He believed was happening. He called it a spontaneous abortion. He was quick to say I know that's a very unfortunate name. What it means is the genetics weren't what they should have been. So my body recognized that and didn't contuine with growing the fetus. 

He gave me three options

1. Wait for nature to take it's course.

2. Have a pill inserted to bring on the miscarriage.

3. Have a D&C

He said before we could do the last two we would do one more ultra sound just to make sure. This unsettled Me. It made Me feel like there was this tiny tiny tiny gleam of hope. 

I have contained spotting so I think we are staying with option 1 for nature to take it's course.

Doctor Aggard was so sweet with this. He handle it so well. While We talked He mentioned it might be hard letting people know who already knew about the pregancy what was happening. He told Me I might feel guilty or silly for telling people so early. He said Don't! Miscarriages happen all the time and pregnacy is such an amazing thing it's silly not to share. And if we do share and a miscarriage happens we tell people so they can help us. In any way even if just a supportive I'm sorry. He helped so much.

I have complete faith that everything EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I don't understand. I probably won't know in this life time why this happened. I know with all my being that Heavenly Father has a plan and I just have to trust in Him.

With that being said it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It hurts like crazy. I find myself holding my stomach as if I was still pregnant. I still think I am almost 8 weeks.. And realize I'm not.  I'm grieving I go from crying to being upset to crying again. I was feeling guilty for this because I know there are so many suffering more then Me right now. I was talking to Mollie my sister about it and this was her response...

Meggie don't feel guilty. It's okay to be sad, hurt, and angry. Just because you have those feelings doesn't mean you don't have faith that it will all work out, it just means that you're hurting right now. And saying you can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else has it better.

She is right. Thank you Mollie for your words of wisdom.

 

I found this quote and it means so much to me.

I know all will be well. It just takes time and this will make Us stronger.