Fly with Me to Neverland...

A few days ago I came across a pin on Pinterest. It was of Peter Pan. It said that the original story of Peter Pan was that He was a angel and would bring children who had died to neverland/Heaven and that is why the children never grew up.

I had that in the back of my mind and then tonight as I was picking up a pregnacy test because I have too take to make sure my body knows it's no longer pregnant. So naturally I had the miscarriage on My mind.

I had found the song last night and was playing it while drive to get the test. I liked the song before but the words caught my attention and I started to cry. The song is called Neverland by LadyVanLove. 

If you listen to the song with a the thought of memory of losing a baby or child. the words mean a lot more. To me at least. Though I am sure that in any case of losing a loved one the song would fit. 

This is the best "free" place to listen I could find so copy the link to their page and scroll down to neverland if ya want a good song:)

http://vanladylove.bandcamp.com

I keep thinking I should be over this by now... I'm not and I'm learning I just need time. It's getting a little easier each day. Ruger has been a huge part of Me moving forward. Though I feel like this will always be with Me I'm extremely greatful for the adorable and amazing son ever:) who reminds Me anything is possible.

Fraughtons & Armsworthy

So has most of you know from My last post we just went through a miscarriage. Last Thursday I physically miscarried I wasn't expecting it and it really really freaked/upset Me.

I was letting Logen (My best friend who unfortunately for Me lives in Canada) know what was going on. After about 45 minutes of letting Her know I got a call.

It was Logen. She asked how I was doing and of course we both started crying. Logen asked if we had any plans this weekend and when I said not really She said I'm coming to Utah this weekend! I was in shock!! I asked seriously in sock and she assured Me not matter what she would be here the next day!! We cried again together but his time it was happy tears!

Logen, Braden and there two kids drove threw the night 14 hours and came straight to Me. When they got here they were both exhausted and I was tired from pain meds and not sleeping we'll the night before half because if pain and half because I was like a child on Christmas Eve. We talked and laughed and talked more. It's one of My favorite things about our friendship because with her living in Canada we don't see each other has much as we want to but, when we do see each other it's like we see each other daily!

Most of there trip was spent talking and laughing. I was pleased to find out that Braden and Clayton got along so well. Also how well we all mesh together. We have the same personalitys and it's like we've all been friends for years. I am so glad because we will be friends well forever is the plan;). The kids got a long so well.

I like that about kids. For the most part the don't care they are automatically friends. I am so excited for June because that will be the next time We get to see each other and hopefully in October We can go visit the Armsworthy's in Canada!!

Thanks giving & Christmas 2013

I have the worst of luck both of the major holidays this year I was/am sick! It was awful. The two days a year you can pig out and no one will judge you and you can't eat? Seriously lame. 

This year I have been so bad at taking pictures and videos/ keeping up on my blog. So Sadly there isn't a Lot of pictures to share. Though I will share what I can :) The only picture I got of Thanksgiving Day, or should I say pose... Oh the joys of getting a toddler and a Husband to take a picture.

Christmas is MY favorite time of year. I decorate mid November and LOVED every minute of it!! 

Last Year Ruger wasn't really all that phased by Santa Claus at all this year however was a little different. You have to have one of these pictures right?

December always passes in a whirl wind, of parties, and get together's. Its always so fun to see everyone a celebrate The holidays together. Ruger did grasp the concept of presents this year and realy enjoyed it. Which was fun.

 The entire family's (Wiggins and Wardells) All got footie PJS for our Christmas pajamas! They were a HUGE HIT:) Thanks Mom and Dad.

We got up early as normal and apparently Ruger wanted something to eat and We were taking to long so He took matters into his own hands and Helped himself into Nanna's  Cupboard.

Heart break.

I think this is one of my hardest things to write about but I feel like writing about it will be therapeutic. It will help Me move on. Get ready for a novel...

First I want to say a how blessed I am. I have a husband who has been so supportive and THERE. Not all people have that. I've had countless prayers from those who knew. I've had treats, a dinner, phone calls, texts, visits, help with Ruger on short notice, hugs, a blessing, and a mother to be there when Clayt couldn't. We have been so blessed with support. So thank you for all everyone has done.

Three weeks ago we found out we were pregnant! We were elated! With Ruger it took 11 months of trying and with this baby it only took one month. I felt like it was meant to be because everything happend so fast.

Then just over a week ago I woke up to some bleeding. My immediate reaction was panic. I was overwhelmed by emotions for our precious little one. I held my stomach and whispered your ok, mommies here...It was 1:30 in the morning so Clayton cuddled Me on the couch and we waited until morning to call the doctors. 

At some point in the night I rememberd how while pregnant with Ruger we had the same (not really) thing happen with Ruger and it ended up being a uterin tear and all ended well. 

So I felt some reassurance it that. We called the doctors that morning and they had us come in for an ultra sound.

I stared at the screen. I watched for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life. The Dr. Kept look moving the tool over and over trying to see something anything. He stopped for a moment hovering over what He thought was the beging of a yoke sack. I sighed a little breath of something it wasn't quite relief because I wanted to see a baby, and there wasn't one. 

He cleaned me up and sat me up. He seemed hopefull and said it could be we were just a week behind what we had thought. He sent us for lab work and a rogam shot.

Then we waited, in two days I had more blood drawn and found out my HCG levels were indeed rising but not has much as they should have. So we waited longer... And on Monday went again for results. Tuesday night I got a call that the HCG levels went up again but not to a reassuring amount. They wanted me to come in the next day for another ultra sound. 

My mom went with Me. Mothers are great!! She held my hand and gave me comfort! The Doctor started to look. This time there was nothing. Nothing. No yoke sack nothing just an empty uterus. My heart sank. 

Has tears filled my eyes and my thoart started to tighten Dr. Aggard stared to explain what He believed was happening. He called it a spontaneous abortion. He was quick to say I know that's a very unfortunate name. What it means is the genetics weren't what they should have been. So my body recognized that and didn't contuine with growing the fetus. 

He gave me three options

1. Wait for nature to take it's course.

2. Have a pill inserted to bring on the miscarriage.

3. Have a D&C

He said before we could do the last two we would do one more ultra sound just to make sure. This unsettled Me. It made Me feel like there was this tiny tiny tiny gleam of hope. 

I have contained spotting so I think we are staying with option 1 for nature to take it's course.

Doctor Aggard was so sweet with this. He handle it so well. While We talked He mentioned it might be hard letting people know who already knew about the pregancy what was happening. He told Me I might feel guilty or silly for telling people so early. He said Don't! Miscarriages happen all the time and pregnacy is such an amazing thing it's silly not to share. And if we do share and a miscarriage happens we tell people so they can help us. In any way even if just a supportive I'm sorry. He helped so much.

I have complete faith that everything EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I don't understand. I probably won't know in this life time why this happened. I know with all my being that Heavenly Father has a plan and I just have to trust in Him.

With that being said it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It hurts like crazy. I find myself holding my stomach as if I was still pregnant. I still think I am almost 8 weeks.. And realize I'm not.  I'm grieving I go from crying to being upset to crying again. I was feeling guilty for this because I know there are so many suffering more then Me right now. I was talking to Mollie my sister about it and this was her response...

Meggie don't feel guilty. It's okay to be sad, hurt, and angry. Just because you have those feelings doesn't mean you don't have faith that it will all work out, it just means that you're hurting right now. And saying you can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying you can't be happy because someone else has it better.

She is right. Thank you Mollie for your words of wisdom.

 

I found this quote and it means so much to me.

I know all will be well. It just takes time and this will make Us stronger.